Caught in a Moment
by itainthardtryin
Summary: Ever since they've started dating, Santana has never been happier. But she's never been more scared either. (Santana's thoughts & feelings from 3x04 - 3x08) One shot, written for canon day of Brittana week on Tumblr.


Fear is usually something that Santana puts into other people, not the other way round. She wouldn't ever tell anyone, not even Brittany, but these past few months have been the scariest of her entire life. Everyone's seen how scared she's been when the ad aired and when she came out to her abuela only to be rejected, but it's the other things that scare her even more.

Santana's pretty sure Brittany can see right through her, but she chooses to just be brave anyway and try her best to never show how much she lives in fear. Every single day she lives in fear.

If you asked someone with a fear of heights to skydive out of a plane every day for the rest of their life, they'd never be able to do it. But that's what it feels like for Santana. Since she understood how she was different, and since she came out to herself, her number one fear has been people knowing and being judged.

There were a few days after their first date when Santana thought she didn't care. The feeling of holding Brittany's hand in public - even if it was under a napkin - gave her enough adrenaline to keep her going for a while. But then it started to wear off, and then the ad aired and everything fell apart.

The past few months might have been the scariest of her life, but they've also been the most determined of her life.

She has been trying so, so, _so _hard to get through it. She knows she's on the right side of things and the hardest parts are over, but she's still terrified. Every time she even so much as looks at Brittany, she feels like there are a million judging eyes on her, because everyone knows now.

That's why it's been over a month since they made things official and Santana still hasn't held Brittany's hand in public. Not even in glee club.

It's not for Brittany's lack of trying. It's second nature, that they extend an open hand or pinkie when they're getting ready to leave for the next class, but recently Santana's been trying to make herself occupied so she doesn't have to. And it's killing her.

All she wants to do is take Brittany's hand in her own, hold onto it tightly so Brittany can't let go, and walk proudly down the corridors so everyone in the whole school knows that this beautiful girl is dating her. Santana knows that Brittany could have anyone that she wants in this whole school, but somehow it's Santana that she's in love with and she wakes up every single day thankful because of it.

She just wishes she could show Brittany how grateful she really is.

Things in glee club have been falling apart too, ever since they walked out to form the Troubletones. Santana's not going to lie, she loves the energy of the Troubletones, and the message they send out, but she misses everyone else. And besides, singing _"At first I was afraid, I was petrified, kept thinking I could never live without you by my side" _is only fun for so long before you start really thinking about it, and it gets inside your head.

Quinn approaches Santana in the bathroom when she's there with Mercedes and Brittany to ask them to rejoin glee. She starts talking to them about how these are the best days of their lives, and she wants them all to be able to look back on this when they're twenty-seven or eighty-seven and realise that, _yes they were._

And that's when something snaps inside Santana, and everything makes sense. She has a moment of complete clarity when she can see that Quinn is one hundred percent right. These are the best days of her life. She's in love, she has a group of friends who might be the biggest bunch of losers in Ohio, but hell, Santana's probably one of the biggest losers in Ohio too, and she wouldn't change that for the world. She's part of a glee club that's on their way to winning Nationals. She has parents who love her - the real her, the one she's kept hidden. She's a senior in high school and this is as good as it gets.

A calm comes over her, and she takes a subtle glance at the company she's in. Mercedes, who's been nothing but accepting, Quinn, who is pretty much the sister she never had, and Brittany, the most important person in her life. If she can't be herself in front of these people, right here in this bathroom, then she can't do anything.

So, just like someone with a fear of heights, she makes her way to the edge, she looks down, and somehow she's not so scared of falling anymore. She knows she's going to make it down safely. So she jumps.

Her fingers brush against Brittany's hand and skirt. Brittany doesn't noticably move, but Santana heard the subtle intake of breath. She knows that this means a lot to Brittany, even though it's only Mercedes and Quinn - they're holding hands, in public. Brittany teases her fingers through Santana's own, and takes her hand fully.

Santana thought her heart would be pounding, she thought she'd feel like she was suffocating, but she isn't. Nothing's changed. The world kept turning. The only thing that's happened is that she's holding her girlfriend's hand in front of her best friends. Her best friends who haven't even as much as acknowledged it. Whether it's because they haven't noticed, or because they just accept it as normal, Santana doesn't know, but it's the best reaction they could have had.

She's just an eighteen year old girl, standing in a school bathroom holding the hand of the girl she's in love with. The girl she's dating. The more she goes over it in her head, the more it makes sense, the more she realises she should have been doing this from the start. It feels so right that she hardly even notices when Quinn's done talking and she's asking them to the auditorium.

Now that she's started, Santana doesn't want to stop holding Brittany's hand. She holds it again in the auditorium, when they're stood in front of the whole glee club. Girlfriend and girlfriend, hand in hand, together. Something blooms deep in the depths of Santana, something proud and happy. Something that she should have let loose a long time ago.

Everyone's already started singing when they arrive, so she waits at the side to be included. It feels like this is something she needs - that she needs to know these people actually want her around, instead of just tolerating her because she's there. That's why she waits at the sidelines and lets Brittany go on ahead with everyone else. She waits for what feels like forever, watching everyone sing together, smiling and laughing, until Rachel Berry approaches her and puts out a hand, silently asking her to join them.

Never in Santana's life did she think that getting approval from Rachel Berry would almost make her cry with happiness, but it does and she takes Rachel's hand to join the others.

In the midst of everyone, singing about being young and thinking about what Quinn said earlier, Santana really does think that these are the best years of her life.

And she couldn't be more thankful.


End file.
